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Souki Outdoes Himself - Passes Bill in His Sleep

by Moimoi Pilau-Bugga

In a dazzling display of his skills as the special interest "go-to" man, Rep Joe Souki (Wailuku, Maui) passed the Superferry Bailout Bill during his afternoon nap.

"Not only did I get a good sleep, but I managed to bamboozle four naive Maui Representatives into going along with me.", bragged Souki.

We asked how he was able to get Representatives Bertram, McKelvey, Yamashita and Nakasone to vote in favor of a bill that was sure to ignite their constituents with anger and result in their defeat next election.

"It was easy. They believed everything I told 'em," replied Souki. "First I made them think that HRS 343 is just a study and doesn't provide for mitigations. Then I conned them into thinking that Hawaii Superferry would be able to sue the State, if we didn't pass the bill."

We asked Rep Souki how he convinced them, when the HRS 343 (environmental protection act) has the requirement for mitigations written into it and the HSF operating agreement clearly states that HSF cannot sue.

"Those guys are so gullible - they didn't even read the bill or the operating agreement," said Souki. "And for good measure, I told two of 'em that as freshman representatives, they weren't allowed to think for themselves. My only worry was that they would ask one of those pesky environmentalists about it and be told the truth."

"Fortunately," he added, "they showed their potential to step into my shoes when they grow up. I was real proud of the way they just went along with everything I said. I think they'll be real pleased with the donations they'll get next election."

Below are portions of the House Transportation Committee hearing:

Chair Souki: "Recognize Mele Carroll from Maui."

Rep. Carroll: "Good morning, Mr Garibaldi. I'd like to ask you..."

Chair Souki: [interrupting] "Let's hurry it along Representative Carroll."

Rep. Carroll: "...is it true that..."

Chair Souki: [cutting off her question] "Well, that's enough. We can't have you taking up this body's time questioning the Superferry CEO. I want this bill passed before dinner.

Who is the next witness? Ah, Wala'au Loa. How are you, sweetheart? Thank you for coming. Go ahead."

Ms. Loa: "The Superferry is a dream come true. I have a wonderful job with it as a part-time toilet scrubber with no benefits and I want my job back. So please ignore the welfare of the entire state and ignore environmental law so I can have my job back."

Chair Souki: "Go on, my dear."

Ms. Loa: "When I was just a tiny child on Lana'i, I used to lie on my stomach fishing for opai with my tutu. Tutu, I said one day, I wish there were a big bridge between the islands"

[two pages of Ms. Loa's testimony omitted]

Chair Souki: "Thank you, my dear. Is there anything else you'd like to tell us? No? Then our next witness is Attorney General Bennett."

Chair Souki: "Ah, AG Bennett, How good to see you. This bill must be really important to the people of Hawaii if you are here to support it."

AG Bennett: "Thank you, Chairman Souki" "We're here to Save the Superferry! But of course, I didn't write that into the bill because that would make it a special interest law. So after I wrote it, I did a global replace of "Superferry" with the phrase "large fast ferry". Presto! It's not a special interest bill.

But now, Chair Souki, with your permission I would like my assistant to elaborate on the provisions of this bill."

[pauses waiting for Souki's response]

[pause continues]

[Representative sitting next to Souki nudges him.]

Chair Souki: "Huh, huh? Whaa?"

[Representative whispers to Souki - "he's asking if his assistant can speak"]

Chair Souki:[whispering back] "Why on earth did he wake me up? I expected him to take at least half an hour." [To AG Bennett] "Yes, yes. Go ahead"

[testimony continues]

 

 



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